Missing Out

I can't believe June is already here and 3 days in!! Life has slowed down quite a bit, and the weather has been psycho. Typical for Nevada. It was warm and sunny last week; today I wake up to crazy winds rattling my windows and huge, grey clouds coming in. I love grey weather, but I just don't appreciate this wind. I wouldn't mind if it stayed crappy like this through tomorrow, then Mike wouldn't go work at his second job (fire extinguisher business with a friend). This will be yet another week he has worked at least 6 days straight. If he works tomorrow, it will be 7 days straight. I have been a little depressed and miss him a lot- I certainly have been feeling like work is all he does, and that it has replaced me. I know he does it because he wants to save a lot, make a lot and in general be able to give us a better life to start off with (if we get married). I just wish it wasn't so hard to swallow in the process. It's hard to be supportive when I am a little bitter about the time together we are missing out on.

Rose Tinted Glasses

It's Memorial Day today, county employees are off work today, so Mike and I have been hiding inside his house. We have been watching Jon & Kate Plus Eight marathon, since their 'face off' is tonight, after suspected infidelity, bad attitudes, relationship falling apart... pretty sad stuff! I can't say I didn't see it coming at some point, though. Hollywood kind of showed up at their door with fame and money and free stuff (trips, furniture, house, you get my drift), and Kate has been capitalizing on all their fame, milking it pretty much. Having Jon stay at home and not work to be with the kids while she is off on book tours and interviews and writing stupid books like 8 Smiley Faces (yeah, like you are the only person in the world who has had eight kids... please!) I personally feel bad for Jon- he seems to have no identity, he isn't allowed to be a man in his own home, and Kate is always so controlling, explosive, and just generally OCD. As I am watching it I am doing some serious self examination!! I certainly hope I don't treat Mike that way. I only want him to be happy, do what he wants, and help him reach his goals on his terms. I love him very much. Things have been extremely sweet and great between us lately- I have seen an effort and change come over Mike like never before- real resolution and sweetness. I have to admit that I am having a hard time accepting it and opening myself completely to the new Mike. In part I think it is because I've seen him this way before, heard what he has said when he was like this before, all the promises and sweetness and it didn't last. And I felt very disappointed and hurt when he changed his heart again. I do think this time is different and is here to stay, but still... I am a little nervous. But by the same token I am excited because I really think it's sincere and real this time.

I have been enjoying our new church we found, it's tough though. Mike can't make it usually because he works all day Sunday, and his boss won't allow him to go to church on the clock. Stupid. Since it is literally less than or right at about an hour long. We did take the Fireproof class- and I really liked it. I think the newly changed us should do it again, I think we would both be more open to it.

So all in all, things have been amazing. Life is good, summer is almost here :)

And Mike... if you're reading this- I love you :) and you should get the guitar and sing me another song!!

Somebody Said a Prayer

Mike & I reconciled our relationship, and are working on resurrecting the love we used to share, the kindness and compassion.

Somebody said a prayer- because when I was at my lowest I never thought either of us could forgive each other.

I don't think we were through- looking back. And that is why it hurt so bad. I remember waking up every day just aching. Trying to do something...anything! to fill that huge hole. I couldn't have silence. The T.V. or radio had to be on. I would stay up all night with a movie or calling friends. I couldn't stand to be with just myself knowing that when the morning light broke I would still just be with me. So initially my strategy was keep up all night and sleep all day. Whatever hurt existed must have been so deep, so passionate that at first misery was a better choice than making the relationship work. I felt, and still feel that for a relationship to work, the two people involved must be equally invested. At moments I felt I was over invested, Mike wasn't invested at all, I wasn't much invested when he tried to be... things were just constantly off kilter. I was always irritated, frustrated! Yet as always, the fire of frustration, anger, and insecurity gave way to a pile of ashes that was our future. We've both done, said, and used various things or ideas to fill the voids; instead of turning to each other. So throwing in the towel seemed the only option. My mind wasn't clear. I know his wasn't. We had become accessories to one another instead of necessities. I decided to take a different path. Eventually, though, I got to a point where I didn't want to live like that. After a couple bad decisions I realized that wasn't the life I wanted. Every sleepless night, every painful day... I don't ever want to be there again. I don't ever want to worry about someone I love so dearly and not have the ability to reach out because I cut the cord. I would do whatever it takes. Even if that just means not giving up.

Messy

My last post was January 10, 2009. Reading back makes me sad. It's bittersweet. So much has happened. Mike & I are officially no longer together. After two and a half years things just sort of fell apart. He's in Ely now, he started his career in EMS/Fire there will a full time position under White Pine County EMS. Mike is really enjoying it, although it's slow. I suppose as he left I realized how different we are; we want very different things. The commitment we each were looking for as individuals is/was on very different levels. We are taking a break and perhaps in time we will see what can happen. It is, though, much better not being in a relationship. We get along nicer, we talk better, and things are just... okay! It was a hard decision to make, but I don't think either of us could really justify maintaining a relationship where one, or both of us, wanted out. It was an amicable split. People seemed very shocked when they found out we had split, but... that's because we did such an amazing job keeping our issues on the down low. Even though I am okay with how things went, it's settling in now. I live alone in what used to be our home, and it's so quiet and empty. I drove past the college the other night, I passed the GBC clock tower where all this start in August of 2006, I drove by the college apartments and couldn't help but try to re-picture in my mind that spot there in the front under the tree on the edge of the street. That's where on a starry, cool September night we had our first kiss and decided we wanted to have a go at it. I do feel a certain... loneliness. But in such a way as it could be described as "ghost limb syndrome". Anywhere I go seems harsh; having that companionship, and the comfort and compassion he and I shared is what made existence sweet. All the sappy and missing isn't enough, though. Our behavior toward each other just became so separated that we were much better friends than partners. And I mean, what can you do, really? When it's gone, it's gone. What's scary, what's hard, is knowing that Mike's not the last man I'm ever going to love, although I wish it could have been that way. This also means that I have to start from scratch; I have to start at square one again, get to know another person in the same intimate way- it's a lot of work! If in the future Mike and I can reconcile our differences and be in the same place, then things will be how they should have been, how they need to be. But if they don't... then both of us have to rebuild a life with other people we thought we would only share with each other. Love is messy. Grief is messy. If someone had told me we wouldn't be together, that we would drift apart a year and a half ago, two years ago... I would have laughed at them and thought they were crazy. Now laughing seems stupid and it hurts. I wish things were different. I wish we treated each other differently. I wish we wanted to be in the same place, doing the same things, and that we could be happy. I'd give up anything if we could be in that place. I just don't think either of us can do that. What he wants, what I want, are so undeniably different it's impossible to make it work. That's okay- I hope. Relationships end sometimes, and it's sad, but I'm confident it's not the end.

I can't forget him.

On the other hand, I'm still obviously in Elko. I spend a lot of time with friends. Molly the bulldog just got spaid, and the poor thing is so pitiful! This weekend I'll be house sitting/dog sitting for my family. Ezra has a wrestling tournament in Winnemucca, and the whole family is going to watch. I've reconnected with some old friends from high school; last night one and I were at a lounge here in town. The bartender slipped me his number. I just had no idea what to think hahaha- needless to say it's sitting on my counter. My friend asked if I was going to call him, but I will not. He's a nice guy and all, but... I'm not into it. I don't want to dabble in the dating game. There's no one worth it. I don't want to talk- I don't want to do anything. I just want to think. Bleh. Dating. Men. It just sounds so awful right now.

Rollin'

We can start with Christmas. It was pretty good! I had a fun, warm time with my family. I received some good gifts. Family from Utah was visiting, so it was a full house. I did work Christmas Eve night shift, but it wasn't a big deal at all.

New Years it was just me and Mike. We spent the majority of the night playing a very exciting few slot machines- we actually walked out with 70+ dollars, when we had oringially walked in with 2! We had a few drinks, and then went downtown to watch the fireworks. It was romantic and fun. We got kinda dressed up. Mike got this hilarious hat at the Gold Dust that said "Happy New Year" on it; it looked like a leprachaun hat. You know, the kind that are top hat style, but shorter than a normal top hat? yeah. Just see the photos posted!

Things have been rolling along pretty well. Work has been keeping me on my toes and busy, but that's good. Even though it's challenging at moments I am really enjoying my job. I've met a couple really great people.

Mike and I have been doing exceptional. I will have a pretty solid and progressive update about him hopefully in the next couple weeks. Yeah- big things are happening!!

In this New Year I hope a lot of the things I have been putting significant effort and time into will finally start culminating and coming together. My resolution is to really just start using my education and skills and relationships to create a life for myself. I think I've built a pretty good foundation to build upon.