Messy

My last post was January 10, 2009. Reading back makes me sad. It's bittersweet. So much has happened. Mike & I are officially no longer together. After two and a half years things just sort of fell apart. He's in Ely now, he started his career in EMS/Fire there will a full time position under White Pine County EMS. Mike is really enjoying it, although it's slow. I suppose as he left I realized how different we are; we want very different things. The commitment we each were looking for as individuals is/was on very different levels. We are taking a break and perhaps in time we will see what can happen. It is, though, much better not being in a relationship. We get along nicer, we talk better, and things are just... okay! It was a hard decision to make, but I don't think either of us could really justify maintaining a relationship where one, or both of us, wanted out. It was an amicable split. People seemed very shocked when they found out we had split, but... that's because we did such an amazing job keeping our issues on the down low. Even though I am okay with how things went, it's settling in now. I live alone in what used to be our home, and it's so quiet and empty. I drove past the college the other night, I passed the GBC clock tower where all this start in August of 2006, I drove by the college apartments and couldn't help but try to re-picture in my mind that spot there in the front under the tree on the edge of the street. That's where on a starry, cool September night we had our first kiss and decided we wanted to have a go at it. I do feel a certain... loneliness. But in such a way as it could be described as "ghost limb syndrome". Anywhere I go seems harsh; having that companionship, and the comfort and compassion he and I shared is what made existence sweet. All the sappy and missing isn't enough, though. Our behavior toward each other just became so separated that we were much better friends than partners. And I mean, what can you do, really? When it's gone, it's gone. What's scary, what's hard, is knowing that Mike's not the last man I'm ever going to love, although I wish it could have been that way. This also means that I have to start from scratch; I have to start at square one again, get to know another person in the same intimate way- it's a lot of work! If in the future Mike and I can reconcile our differences and be in the same place, then things will be how they should have been, how they need to be. But if they don't... then both of us have to rebuild a life with other people we thought we would only share with each other. Love is messy. Grief is messy. If someone had told me we wouldn't be together, that we would drift apart a year and a half ago, two years ago... I would have laughed at them and thought they were crazy. Now laughing seems stupid and it hurts. I wish things were different. I wish we treated each other differently. I wish we wanted to be in the same place, doing the same things, and that we could be happy. I'd give up anything if we could be in that place. I just don't think either of us can do that. What he wants, what I want, are so undeniably different it's impossible to make it work. That's okay- I hope. Relationships end sometimes, and it's sad, but I'm confident it's not the end.

I can't forget him.

On the other hand, I'm still obviously in Elko. I spend a lot of time with friends. Molly the bulldog just got spaid, and the poor thing is so pitiful! This weekend I'll be house sitting/dog sitting for my family. Ezra has a wrestling tournament in Winnemucca, and the whole family is going to watch. I've reconnected with some old friends from high school; last night one and I were at a lounge here in town. The bartender slipped me his number. I just had no idea what to think hahaha- needless to say it's sitting on my counter. My friend asked if I was going to call him, but I will not. He's a nice guy and all, but... I'm not into it. I don't want to dabble in the dating game. There's no one worth it. I don't want to talk- I don't want to do anything. I just want to think. Bleh. Dating. Men. It just sounds so awful right now.