Somebody Said a Prayer

Mike & I reconciled our relationship, and are working on resurrecting the love we used to share, the kindness and compassion.

Somebody said a prayer- because when I was at my lowest I never thought either of us could forgive each other.

I don't think we were through- looking back. And that is why it hurt so bad. I remember waking up every day just aching. Trying to do something...anything! to fill that huge hole. I couldn't have silence. The T.V. or radio had to be on. I would stay up all night with a movie or calling friends. I couldn't stand to be with just myself knowing that when the morning light broke I would still just be with me. So initially my strategy was keep up all night and sleep all day. Whatever hurt existed must have been so deep, so passionate that at first misery was a better choice than making the relationship work. I felt, and still feel that for a relationship to work, the two people involved must be equally invested. At moments I felt I was over invested, Mike wasn't invested at all, I wasn't much invested when he tried to be... things were just constantly off kilter. I was always irritated, frustrated! Yet as always, the fire of frustration, anger, and insecurity gave way to a pile of ashes that was our future. We've both done, said, and used various things or ideas to fill the voids; instead of turning to each other. So throwing in the towel seemed the only option. My mind wasn't clear. I know his wasn't. We had become accessories to one another instead of necessities. I decided to take a different path. Eventually, though, I got to a point where I didn't want to live like that. After a couple bad decisions I realized that wasn't the life I wanted. Every sleepless night, every painful day... I don't ever want to be there again. I don't ever want to worry about someone I love so dearly and not have the ability to reach out because I cut the cord. I would do whatever it takes. Even if that just means not giving up.